Well, since my last blog I've been fortunate enough to have someone actually reply. He told me he thinks I am 'marvelous' and he really wishes to continue getting to know me. As soon as I read that, I felt very uncomfortable. And then I was uncomfortable with being uncomfortable, if that makes any sense, because he was just trying to give me a compliment and I should be taking it that way. I mean, I tell people how amazing they are all the time, so the least I can do is accept a compliment on face value. What made me uncomfortable with being uncomfortable was that my first thought when I read that was 'wow, he doesn't really know me very well yet, does he" and that is just so very wrong on so many levels. Now let's be clear here, I'm not saying I believe I'm some terrible person or something, or that I have absolutely zero confidence in myself. I have many different skills, and some things I consider myself to be very good at. It's just that I don't think of myself as 'marvelous' or 'amazing' in any way. I'm just... me. And when someone who doesn't know me very well tells me that they think I'm 'marvelous', it makes me feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It makes me think "if you stick around for a few months, will you still say that?" as if my faults would somehow outweigh my good qualities. And that's very sad to think that way. It's certainly not what God intended for me. But it's one thing to say "God loves me so I should love me", it's something entirely different to truly believe it. And I haven't even been through a difficult breakup - I don't even want to imagine how much I would second guess other people's opinions of me if someone I cared about had left me. Fortunately I've been spared from this pain so far!
That's one of the drawbacks for Internet dating: you are so busy trying to look good - find the best picture, describe hobbies in an interesting way, promote your best personality features - that the not-so-great side of you, the side that makes you normal and, well, human, gets lost in the shuffle. No one wants to write about their faults, just like no one wants to discuss their faults in a job interview. When asked to list your faults in a job interview you're supposed to say things like 'sometimes I just work too hard' or 'I always have to be doing something, I can't just sit around'. You know, basically describing good traits in a way that makes them sound bad but both you and the employer know they're not bad. Honesty is a great quality but saying things like 'sometimes I come to work and I really don't feel like working, which makes me a bit cranky' is not going to get you the job. Just like too much honesty in an online profile isn't going to get you a date.
But in the end, I really want someone to know me, and like me anyway. Actually, I think we all want that, it's just that some of us are more afraid to share our inner selves than others. I certainly don't hide who I am, nor do I want to, but I know that this side of me will not come out in an online profile. The kicker is that all my friends and family know me and they love me anyway. They know that I'm a consummate procrastinator, that I tend to start projects that I don't finish, and that I tend not to keep my house as clean as I would like. But they also know that I'm a good listener, that I'm loyal, and that I won't judge someone if they're having a problem. I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this is that, while I do appreciate the compliment, I'm looking forward to the day when someone will see me as "faultless despite all her faults"*.
*Jane Austin's 'Emma'
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