Long time, no see!!!!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted in this blog...  I think I need to do something about that.  Oh wait, I am right now!  Sooooo, anyway...

I've had a lot of ups and downs since my last post but I don't feel like talking about them right now since its taken me all this time just to put them behind me.  I have a much more positive view on life right now, and I don't want to ruin that by looking back!

I've recently decided to do something that I've always wanted to do, but never had the courage for: write a graphic novel.  I've loved reading them for years and I've always wanted to create one, but I've always thought "I could never do that!".  Recently I've realized something very important: the only person who told me that I can't do it is ME!!  I mean, I can draw as well as the next person, which means that I will only get better with practice, and I create stories in my head all the time - so why don't I try it?  I have nothing to loose, and I'll only regret it later if I never try.  So I decided... to try.  I suppose I shouldn't say 'try', I should just say 'do' and then follow through with that. 

I know some people will think I'm crazy.  Okay, a lot of people will think I'm crazy!  My family thinks I'm weird to even READ this stuff, I can't imagine how well its going to go over when I tell them that I'm currently writing one!!! 

I'm not expecting to make any money at this or anything.  I'm not saying I wouldn't LOVE to make money with this, it's just that it's not my focus.  I don't expect it to pay the bills but, since I have no husband or children, I can focus all my time on completing something that will make me feel like I've accomplished something in my life.  I don't want to be the person who starts a lot of things but never finishes them. 

I will continue to post my progress here.  I know this will be REALLY hard but, I have to admit, I'm kind of excited about it too!  Even though it isn't written yet, I keep thinking "Gee, I hope SOMEBODY likes this story!".  It's the people-pleaser part of me coming out.  But I know that as long as I like it, that will be enough for me.  For now...  ;)

Internet Dating (part 2)

Well, since my last blog I've been fortunate enough to have someone actually reply.  He told me he thinks I am 'marvelous' and he really wishes to continue getting to know me.  As soon as I read that, I felt very uncomfortable. And then I was uncomfortable with being uncomfortable, if that makes any sense, because he was just trying to give me a compliment and I should be taking it that way.  I mean, I tell people how amazing they are all the time, so the least I can do is accept a compliment on face value.  What made me uncomfortable with being uncomfortable was that my first thought when I read that was 'wow, he doesn't really know me very well yet, does he" and that is just so very wrong on so many levels.  Now let's be clear here, I'm not saying I believe I'm some terrible person or something, or that I have absolutely zero confidence in myself.  I have many different skills, and some things I consider myself to be very good at.  It's just that I don't think of myself as 'marvelous' or 'amazing' in any way.  I'm just... me.  And when someone who doesn't know me very well tells me that they think I'm 'marvelous', it makes me feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It makes me think "if you stick around for a few months, will you still say that?" as if my faults would somehow outweigh my good qualities.  And that's very sad to think that way.  It's certainly not what God intended for me.  But it's one thing to say "God loves me so I should love me", it's something entirely different to truly believe it.  And I haven't even been through a difficult breakup - I don't even want to imagine how much I would second guess other people's opinions of me if someone I cared about had left me.  Fortunately I've been spared from this pain so far!

That's one of the drawbacks for Internet dating: you are so busy trying to look good - find the best picture, describe hobbies in an interesting way, promote your best personality features - that the not-so-great side of you, the side that makes you normal and, well, human, gets lost in the shuffle. No one wants to write about their faults, just like no one wants to discuss their faults in a job interview.  When asked to list your faults in a job interview you're supposed to say things like 'sometimes I just work too hard' or 'I always have to be doing something, I can't just sit around'.  You know, basically describing good traits in a way that makes them sound bad but both you and the employer know they're not bad.  Honesty is a great quality but saying things like 'sometimes I come to work and I really don't feel like working, which makes me a bit cranky' is not going to get you the job.  Just like too much honesty in an online profile isn't going to get you a date.  

But in the end, I really want someone to know me, and like me anyway.  Actually, I think we all want that, it's just that some of us are more afraid to share our inner selves than others.  I certainly don't hide who I am, nor do I want to, but I know that this side of me will not come out in an online profile.  The kicker is that all my friends and family know me and they love me anyway.  They know that I'm a consummate procrastinator, that I tend to start projects that I don't finish, and that I tend not to keep my house as clean as I would like.  But they also know that I'm a good listener, that I'm loyal, and that I won't judge someone if they're having a problem.  I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this is that, while I do appreciate the compliment, I'm looking forward to the day when someone will see me as "faultless despite all her faults"*.

*Jane Austin's 'Emma'

Internet Dating Trials

Well, I finally did it... I've signed on for Internet dating!  Actually, I've signed up a few times before but I never really took it seriously.  This time, I'm not being so restrictive in who I talk to - after all, some people have trouble writing about themselves but they are actually very interesting if you take the time to get to know them.  As long as the guy has as deep a commitment to Christ as I do, I'm game!

Unfortunately, I'm rapidly discovering that there might be a real reason why I've been single all this time.  I haven't been in a serious relationship since high school but that never really bothered me before.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still very happy with my life, but now that I'm looking for someone to share it with I'm noticing a conspicuous lack of interest from the opposite sex.  And I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why!  When I talk to other people who have tried online dating, they always love to share the terrible date stories or the conversation blunders that they encounter.  For me however, I have only ever met one guy from online dating, (which of course was a disaster!) and even though I've tried to contact over 20 guys in one week NONE of them have been interested!  When I think about it, I can't remember a time when a guy asked me out since my university years.  As I said, I never cared before, but now that I'm paying attention (so to speak) I can't seem to find anyone who is interested!  I even tried the outright "would you like to go out sometime" email to someone recently.  Want to know what happened?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Zero response.  Okay, I understand that no answer in itself is a "no, not interested" but it would have been nice if he'd at least respond with that - how do I know if he even got the email?!?  
Knowing that I'm the only person with this lack of interest problem amongst my friends is... concerning...

Anyhoo, now that you've let me rant about my problems for a few minutes, let me share a couple pearls of wisdom that I have learned from this online dating experience so far.  I'm sure there will be more as I continue but I felt these were important, especially if you are considering entering this perilous realm.  

Rule #1:  Choose an appropriate screen name.  "MrCharisma", "divorcedman", or "mumwoodbeprowd" do not inspire confidence.
Rule #2:  The photo your friend took of you grinning stupidly over your tenth beer last night may be your most recent picture but it is not, I assure you, flattering in any way.  Your driver's license photo is not a good choice either.
Rule #3:  It is okay to not share everything on your profile.  I appreciate that you want to go for complete honesty and openness but it isn't necessary for you list that your treatments for genital psoriasis are going well.
Rule #4:  Try not to insult someone during the initial email stages.  You may think someone is less educated than you, only to discover that you are SADLY mistaken when they verbally kick your butt.  As a side note, if you are insulted through email, do not take out your frustrations on your computer - it will not apologize, it will just break.

My Civic Duty

I've never been what you would call a 'political' person. Actually, that's putting it mildly: I've been teased for once having a momentary lapse in memory regarding the Prime Minister's name. Sad, but very true. To my credit, that's only happened once, but it does reflect my general lack of current political knowledge. So here's my terrible secret: I've never voted before. I've never criticized the government either, let's make that clear, I think that would be very hypocritical of me to complain when I didn't bother to use my power to make a difference. I know it's pathetic, living in a country that encourages all it's citizens to be involved in the democratic process but not get involved myself, but I've always had trouble understanding what's going on. So many different promises, accusations, with each party only focusing on certain issues, I feel like I'm trying to compare apples to oranges. So, in the end, I just... didn't vote.

During this provincial election however, I started to make more of an effort to follow along. I have a basic understanding of the general ideas from each party. I tried to do some research on each of the candidates and learn as best I could about their choices, actions, or lack of actions. I even checked the local paper for a synopsis from each candidate: this ended up being a waste of time since the paper misprinted some of the information, making it appear as if two parties had exactly the same ideas! I gathered as much info as I could and I made my decision. After a long day at work, I drove to my local voting station, walked up to my designated table and... voted.
Okay, not really a big deal for other people but it was a big deal for me. I've finally become a contributing member of society.

Now I just need to work on getting a full-time job...

Family: for better or for worse...

My family is very strange.  I'm sure a lot of people say this about their families and it may or may not be true, but when I compare my family to my friends families, mine seems rather...
weird.

I don't have a huge extended family with a lot of members, just a few with huge personalities.  My grandfather, when he was alive, was known for his chronic abuse of his mental filter.  He has approached a random stranger in a store and said, "Did you know you have one blue eye and one brown eye?!?"  He loved to point out ill fitting articles of clothing (especially undergarments) on his grandchildren and apparently, when he met my father for the first time, questioned him about his beard with the following statement: "Why are you cultivating on your face what grows wild on your a**?"  One of my uncles loves really ridiculous jokes and another has been banned from grocery shopping with his wife or children due to his inability (or disinterest) in controlling his own wind. 

When I was in high school, I invited my boyfriend to a family get-together.  I did try to warn him that they were a bit unusual but he insisted that he would be fine - after all how bad could it be? he said.  At the time, most likely due to my inexperience, I didn't realize just how unusual my family would appear to this guy. 
             Mistake #1: Introducing my boyfriend to all the members of my family at once.
I remember that I had been helping in the kitchen for awhile with some of the food so I went out to search for him. 
             Mistake #2: Leaving my boyfriend alone with all the members of my family at once.
When I finally found him, he was sitting in what can only be described as a vertical fetal position on the couch.  He refused to speak to me, even when I asked him if he was okay and if he wanted anything to eat or drink, simply answering my questions with a quick nod or shake of his head.  He spent the rest of the evening in this fashion and was VERY quiet during the drive home.  I'm surprised he was even able to drive, he seemed so traumatized.  I felt absolutely terrible for him and vowed I would NEVER do this to anyone else!  Shockingly, we did continue dating for awhile after this episode so I can only assume he was truly desperate for a girlfriend. 

My family considers me a bit of a prude - I know this because they have told me.  I have also shocked friends and co-workers when I have said or done something that is inspired by my relatives.  It is apparently so 'out of character' for me that no one really knows how to respond.  I usually apologize and start back-pedalling.  Friends that have known me for awhile are used to it but new acquaintances are often very confused! 

After reading all of this you might think that I dislike my family but nothing could be further from the truth - I love them very much just the way they are.  Why?  Because they love me just the way I am.  They know me, they know I'm a Christian and that I don't always appreciate certain jokes so they try to tone it down when I'm around.  I know them, so I don't get offended when someone makes an off-colour comment.  I can trust them to always tell me what they're thinking, even if it might be hurtful to hear it.  In a culture where it's acceptable to say one thing to a person's face and another behind their back, this is a wonderful gift.  Yes, they swear and drink and tease me because I don't, but I also know it's just that: teasing.  Having fun.  There is no pressure to be someone I'm not or to do something that I don't want to do.  Since no topic is taboo in my family, everything can be discussed including relationship problems.  I also know that, because they love me, they would have my back if I was ever in any trouble.  Some of my family members may seem rough on the outside but they have the biggest hearts of anyone I know. 

Yes, my family is very unusual.  They can be rude and crude.  They have been, and always will be, supportive and loving.  They are honest, caring, and accepting.  If this is considered the opposite to a normal family, I would much rather stick with the one I've got! 

I love you guys...

Thoughts on love, from a novice

To be honest, I’m not sure if I should be writing this.  I’m not used to being this personal or deep and then publishing it on the internet for anyone to read.  Also I have very little firsthand experience with men and love, so I can’t even pretend to be the voice of wisdom.  But, as I said before, I have to write what’s in my heart and not worry about who’s reading it.  So here goes. 

I think of myself as a practical romantic, if there is such a thing.  I still believe in chivalry, that a man should respect and support a woman, but I believe this should apply to women as well.  To expect something but to give nothing in return is not a good relationship.  I am pretty old-fashioned in that the physical part of the relationship would be very slow in developing and I would certainly never sleep with someone outside of marriage.  But to me, that’s not restrictive, that’s something to look forward to.  Since I have no experience, I would have nothing to compare him to and I could enjoy the experience of learning something new with someone that I will trust and love for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t born in the wrong era.  But then, earlier eras would have expected me to marry even if I wasn’t in love and I could never do that.  In fact, I think the only thing worse than being lonely is to marry someone knowing that you don’t love them but you haven’t found anyone better.  I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe that God can whisper to your heart that this person is going to be very important in your life as soon as you lay eyes on them. 

One of the things I look forward to is learning about all those little idiosyncrasies that make my special person who they are.  As Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting “People call these things imperfections.  But they’re not, no, that’s the good stuff.  And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.”  I completely understand that the person for me will not be perfect.  I would probably find them intimidating if they were!  I don’t expect him to sweep me off my feet, strike an incredible silhouette against the setting sun, or impress my family with some amazing accomplishment.  He may not be handsome but I will find him attractive because I will love him, and I would know that he felt the same way about me.  We may argue or drive each other crazy sometimes, but forgiveness and acceptance would always be a huge part of the relationship.  I will wake up every day excited to learn more about this special person whom God has set aside for me. 

I know there are guys out there who would meet this description because I’ve met them.  Unfortunately they are always already married or in a relationship and of course I would never mess with that.  I know there is someone perfect for me out there but I have no idea when I will meet them or if I already have.  Perhaps I will never meet this person until I’m reunited with Christ and He introduces us.  I hope and pray that I will not have to wait that long – besides, if I meet him in heaven, then I won’t get to know all those little idiosyncrasies!  ;)

“Neither one of you is perfect.  But the question is, whether or not you’re perfect for each other.”  Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

The Stupid Meter

I can't stand stupid.  Don't get me wrong, I love watching people do stupid things and I always enjoy reading about some Darwin Award recipients.  But I can't stand dealing with them.  I have this mental Stupid Meter that I use.  I suppose it's similar to those rain gauges they use when measuring precipitation: any time I interact with any type of stupid, some of it gets poured into this meter.   When the meter is full I become completely intolerant of any type of stupid, including any from myself.  If it begins to overflow, I start thinking about places to hide the bodies.  I not talking about the occasional brain fart - everyone gets those.  I think that's just part of the spice of life when a normal person does something stupid.  It doesn't happen very often, you're not expecting it, it's usually pretty funny so everyone, including the person who made the mistake, usually laughs hysterically and moves on with their lives.  No, I'm talking about the people who should think about fibre more often to help them deal with their constant mental flatulence. 

When I was a teacher, I used to say that I could teach anything: ADD, lazy, slow, disinterested, etc. But I can't teach stupid.  If you don't bring your brain to class, I can't help you.  I suppose that statement can seem harsh but what I meant was that I could empathise with just about any problem.  If a child has ADD it doesn't mean he can't learn, he just needs the right environment with less distractions.  If a child is lazy, she may not have had very much sleep the night before or she may be dealing with something at home that takes so much energy she has nothing left at school.  If a child is slow, it could be that she is so focused on the details of an assignment that she forgets about the time, similar to perfectionism.  If a child is disinterested, it is MY job to make learning fun so I would work to find something that could get his attention.  But stupidity can make a child stop using their basic God-given intelligence.  I firmly believe that NO ONE is born stupid, it's a learned behaviour.  It is often born from expecting other people to deal with your problems.  It then leads to haphazardly solving your own problems without thinking about the consequences. 

When I was in university, I was visiting a friend in her apartment dorm when we came across a guy attempting to make spaghetti in his room.  Normally this would not be a problem since there were mini kitchens in each apartment, but this guy just seemed so disgusted with his work that we poked our heads in to find out what was going on.  He was standing at the stove with a spatula in one hand and a beer in the other.  He would take a swig of beer, make a terrible nauseated face, then pour some beer into the pan.  When I asked what he was doing, he told me he had heard that some people would add wine to their food when it was cooking, but since he didn't have any wine he had to use his buddy's beer from the fridge.  He also admitted that he didn't like beer.
"So why use beer if you don't like it?", I asked.
"Well, I'm trying to get a buzz before we go out tonight but I don't like drinking beer so I thought I'd put it in my food so I could get it that way."
"I thought alcohol was burned off in the heat?  So, aren't you just ruining your food?"
When he looked at me as if I had two heads and poured more beer into his pan, my friend gently pulled me out of the room before I had a chance to say something I might regret.